My 6 Month State of Obama

Tomorrow, President Obama visits New Jersey to promote our governor's re-election and we have tickets. I took off from work. The kids chose to see the president instead of attending the camp they love.

It's nine months since he was elected and six months since he was sworn in. My partner is disappointed because she expected Obama to do more on gay rights, the wars and the economy. My son still worships Obama and my daughter firmly thinks Hillary was the better choice because she's a woman. I remain optimistic about Obama.

I am disappointed by Obama's defense of DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act). I am angry he has not repealed "don't ask, don't tell" and as a federal employee, I've already stated the brouhaha concerning the supposed "benefits" he bestowed upon gay employees was fooey.

But the climate in the country and in government has changed. Black guys I work with are more proud. Black women too; but men more. Mostly, more people are optimistic. I work with colleagues not quite as varied as NJ's multi-diverse population but quite varied nonetheless. Even quite conservative white guys are cautiously hopeful. We're all understandably reserved and some are tightly holding their breaths.

I exhaled deeply in January and have been breathing steadily since. I think Obama has much to deal with. I want him to inhale and focus and exhale. I want him to concentrate on a few issues rather than trying "to be all things to all men." I am not expecting miracles. (Although, I concede many are.)

I am disappointed about the gay stuff but in the world scheme, these are less. I would like to see Obama work pointedly on the economy and on foreign affairs: Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, North Korea and Pakistan. Health care can wait. The environment can wait. Much can wait.

I want him to take a deep breath, followed by a slow exhale. I want him to focus. I am optimistic and given a chance tomorrow, will tell him so. If not, I've said it here in my own little world on my own little piece of cyberspace. The present is better than the eight years, now thankfully, past.

Cut vs Uncut (I was not prepared for this!)

Our kids are in summer camp and every day they have swimming lessons. Our daughter changes with girls and our son changes with boys. Everyone is naked in front of each other. Our daughter confessed to changing in the bathroom stall for a few days and then joined the crowd. I never knew she was modest.

Our son came home with observations which he shared with my partner while she was bathing him and his sister. He wanted to know why his penis was different from other boys'. My partner informed him he was not circumcised but lots of boys were for cultural and religious reasons or so that their penises resembled their fathers.

The father issue was easy. No father to emulate. Religion was basically easy. We're not Jewish or Muslim. Cultural required more explaining. My partner informed our son his moms don't

believe in cutting his body since his body was his and because uncut was how he was born. My partner said we saw no reason to cut off his foreskin. When he was told how a boy's penis was cut, our son was very happy we spared him this. My partner assured him he could be circumcised if he wanted when he was 18. He expressed no interest.

Some days later our son asked me if all Jewish boys were circumcised. Some of his closest friends are Jewish. He was very shocked they are Jewish. He could not comprehend that they could be Jewish (said while grasping himself). He was wistfully sad for them. He said more than once he was glad he was not Jewish, by which it was clear he meant that he was glad he is uncircumcised.

The same night our son discussed male circumcision in the bathtub, our daughter asked about female circumcision. Oh my partner. Gotta love her. She dutifully explained it in all its varieties and noted that it was a cultural practice in parts of the world. Our daughter asked about this a few days later and I (politically incorrect that I am) told her it was a barbaric cultural practice performed in certain Third World Countries in Sub-Saharan Africa. No further explanation but over the kid's head in a comforting way. "So, it doesn't happen here", she replied, "and it doesn't happen to anyone I know?" "Yes", I answered, "as far as I know." Little girl relieved and able to retreat to her protected, privileged childhood. Amen!

Our son still asks if every Jewish boy he knows is really Jewish (circumcised) and I answer affirmatively. He remains sympathetic and yet pleased for himself and his penis.

ADHD does not easily lead to civilized behavior

So what do you do if your kid has ADHD and you're a consistant nag in monitoring unacceptable behavior, but you are a jerk in the process? I am the jerk. My dynamics with my son are bad. He cannot help his behavior but it is largely obsessive and mostly, sociably unacceptable.

My goal is consistency and good behavior. Guess what? This leads to frustration and poor interaction with an ADHD kid. Oh, and poor self esteem for the kid and for the parent. So,I feel like a total horror of a parent because it has become hard to muster a vaguely civilized tone with the kid. Thus, the kid feels like crap and I feel like crap and we all come across as horribly out-of-control and that I am a consummate nasty parent whose kid will need years of therapy to address my resenting his uncivilized behavior. I feel horrible.

ADHD is real and it is hard. On kids and parents. I hate the way I react with my son. I am not sure of how to escape the rut that has claimed me.

Merry un-birthday

I am not going gently into my grave. The ominous 47 birthday looms in 2 weeks. I've been kicking and punching against it. And because I am depressed, I am binging for comfort on sweets as only a fat girl can. (My partner cooked up kale which she served with a delicious tahini sauce and said quite seriously, "The next time you want ice cream, remember to reach for the kale." Gotta love her!)

My former secretary of 14 years died of breast cancer and was entombed last week. I've already written about all the reasons I dread this birthday.

My mother is having a big bash for me in her tiny apartment on the second floor of the two family house I grew up. She's inviting cousins, their spouses and their kids galore. I asked her where she will put all these people. She poo-pooed me. She has a deck. She really wants to and loves to be the hostess with the mostest. Ugh. I don't want to go. I don't want to celebrate. I don't want gifts!!! I want to hide in my bed. I already informed my partner she's driving home that night.

Oh, and my mother has declared the party commences at 2pm. She is excited about the fireworks happening at the high school behind her house. When I reminded her fireworks don't usually start until 9pm, she said blissfully, "Yes, I know." 7 hours trapped in her small apartment with relatives I see infrequently (not that I don't want to see them)! If I did not now better, I'd suspect my mother of smoking crack. She makes me crazy.

I am mourning four friends' deaths. I decry the demise of my youth. It is GONE. At work today, a colleague in his mid-50's said he was glad to see we "old timers" were frequently in the office since the younger folk were working from home whenever possible. Old timer?!!!? I am not ready for this. I embrace technology and I love working from home. If I never worked in the office again, it would be fine. And he's about 10 years older than me!!! Old Timer???

I would be ok being 47 if friends weren't dying around me, if my father had not gotten cancer at this age and if people would not think of me as an old fart. I am not going gently into my 47th year. I rage against the waning of my 46th.

"Don't blame me, I voted for...." (not me, myself, of course)

My 6 year-old daughter says, "I voted for Hillary. She's a girl, " in response to my partner's bemoaning her disappointment with Obama. My partner tells me she has lost faith (which she never had anyway) in Obama and she blames me and others like me who had the audacity to vote him. My partner thinks he's not delivering fast enough on the gay issues among other things. My daughter agrees but does not fully understand. As my partner explained, "Hilary is nicer to families like ours."

My son, misinterpreting the previous exchange, somehow believes my partner called Obama a bad guy and wonders if Obama is going to jail. We have to reassure him Obama is not going to jail and is not a bad guy in the sense of George Bush or a common criminal.

Obama has disappointed. He has directed the Department of Justice to support the federal DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act) and has not rescinded the Don't Ask, Don't Tell for gay military service members. His self-aggrandizing homo-beneficient moment, the "granting" of some benefits for same-sex partners of federal employees, bestows nothing new. I know because I am a federal employee.

I have supported Obama for over 4 years. I am disappointed he has not moved faster. I begin to worry he will not move at all on real gay issues. I am in a wait and see pattern; apparently, just like the president. Of course my partner thinks Hilary was not as good as Kucinch (vegan, antiwar, pro-gay marriage)! Nah, nah!

I am hanging on, with hope, for real change (but am not holding my breath).